★ OFFICIAL ★ DEFINITELY NOT FAKE ★ VERY LEGAL ★ VERY COOL ★
🚨 BREAKING: New pardon applications up 4,000% since last rally   ★   ALERT: Supply of pardons running dangerously low   ★   EXCLUSIVE: Man pardoned for stealing nuclear sub says "totally worth it"   ★   UPDATE: Pardon wait times now shorter than DMV   ★   JUST IN: Presidential pardon now accepted as valid ID at Costco   ★   DEVELOPING: Pardoned crypto bro immediately launches new scam coin   ★   🚨 BREAKING: New pardon applications up 4,000% since last rally   ★   ALERT: Supply of pardons running dangerously low   ★   EXCLUSIVE: Man pardoned for stealing nuclear sub says "totally worth it"   ★   UPDATE: Pardon wait times now shorter than DMV   ★   JUST IN: Presidential pardon now accepted as valid ID at Costco   ★   DEVELOPING: Pardoned crypto bro immediately launches new scam coin   ★  
🦅

THE GREAT AMERICAN
PARDON CONTEST

Season 1 — Mother's Day Special Edition
🏆 GRAND PRIZE 🏆
A FULL PRESIDENTIAL PARDON
No crime too big! No questions asked!
"The biggest, most beautiful pardon contest in the history of contests, maybe ever."
— Definitely a real quote
2,847
Pardons Issued
14,392
Crimes Forgiven
$4.7B
"Donated"
🚨 Pardon Window Closes In 🚨
00
Days
00
Hours
00
Mins
00
Secs
*Not affiliated with any government entity. Obviously.
★ Pardon of the Month ★
😎
"Big Tony" Mozzarella
Embezzled $43M from his own charity for underprivileged yachts
Donated: $8,500,000 — Received: Full Pardon + Complimentary Golf Membership
"Best investment I ever made. And I've made a LOT of illegal investments."
🏆 Current Leaderboard 🏆
🥇 Totally Not Jared K. $47,000,000
🥈 Crypto Bro McFraudface $12,500,000
🥉 Senator Sticky Fingers $8,200,000
Think you can beat them? ↑
🚨 Hall of Shame: Pardoned & Back In Jail 🚨
👨
"Slippery" Steve Leveragestein
Pardoned for securities fraud. Re-arrested 48 hours later for — you guessed it — securities fraud.
🔓 BACK IN CUSTODY
👩
Karen "The Spreadsheet" McKenzie
Pardoned for creative accounting. Used pardon certificate as collateral for another fraudulent loan.
🔓 BACK IN CUSTODY
🤵
Chad "HODL" Cryptington III
Pardoned for running a fake crypto exchange. Immediately launched a new fake crypto exchange called "PardonCoin."
✈️ FLED TO DUBAI
👴
Gerald "Two Phones" Worthington
Pardoned for insider trading. Celebrated by calling his broker with insider tips FROM the pardon ceremony.
🔓 BACK IN CUSTODY
🕺
"The Algorithm" (real name unknown)
Pardoned for wire fraud. Currently running 3 shell companies from a Starbucks in the Cayman Islands.
🕵️ WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN
⭐ Verified Pardon Reviews ⭐
"I was facing 20 years. Now I'm facing the ocean from my new beach house. 5 stars."
— Anonymous Donor, $12M tier
"The pardon arrived faster than my Amazon Prime order. Would commit fraud again."
— T. Fraudman, Verified Purchaser
"My cellmate is so jealous. He only donated $500K like an amateur."
— Wall St. Pete, $5M tier (PARDONED ✓)
"I got the McDonald's lunch with DJT. He ate all my fries but the pardon was worth it."
— Runner-Up Rick, White Collar Crime Division
As Seen On
OTHER INCREDIBLE PRIZES INCLUDE:
🥈 Netanyahu's Signed Underwear  |  🥉 The Nuclear Codes  |  🏅 2 National Secrets
Offer void where laws are enforced. Which is increasingly nowhere.
★ Paid for by the Committee to Make Pardons Great Again ★
★ APPLICATION IN PROGRESS ★
Step 1 of 6

Identify Yourself, Patriot

All information is 100% confidential (we pinky swear)
★ Paid for by the Committee to Make Pardons Great Again ★
★ APPLICATION IN PROGRESS ★
Step 2 of 6

Your Criminal Résumé

Don't be shy — the bigger the crime, the better your chances
★ Paid for by the Committee to Make Pardons Great Again ★
★ APPLICATION IN PROGRESS ★
Step 3 of 6

Just In Case the Pardon Falls Through...

We like to plan ahead around here
TRUE
😏
The Bitch
(Someone's gotta be)
FALSE
💪
The Brawn
(Sure you would, buddy)
* This is legally a true/false question. We don't make the rules.
★ Paid for by the Committee to Make Pardons Great Again ★
★ APPLICATION IN PROGRESS ★
Step 4 of 6

Show Us the Money

Remember: this is a "donation," not a "bribe" (wink wink)
Current leader: $47,000,000 by "Totally Not Jared K."
★ Paid for by the Committee to Make Pardons Great Again ★
★ APPLICATION IN PROGRESS ★
Step 5 of 6

How Would You Like Your Freedom?

Customize your pardon experience
★ Paid for by the Committee to Make Pardons Great Again ★
★ PARDON APPLICATION SUBMITTED ★
🎉🦅🇺🇸

APPLICATION RECEIVED!

Your pardon is being reviewed by top government officials (who are definitely real)
🏆 PARDON LEADERBOARD 🏆
Your Status: Application under review.
Estimated processing time: 3-5 business scandals. Pardon subject to availability. Not valid in states that believe in the rule of law.
Happy Mother's Day! 💐 Love you, Mom.
★ Paid for by the Committee to Make Pardons Great Again ★